This was my entry into a contest where you had to write, in 24 hours or less, either a poem or a short story about a new reality TV show. I think I did pretty good, considering I wrote it in an hour and fifteen minutes.
Keeping It In the Family
I took you, for better or worse,
And now, with irony that's truly perverse,
I find out you've been sleeping with Dad,
And although that's really quite bad,
It's not quite as shocking as the reverse,
Mom, using the guise of getting her purse,
Crawled into bed with you and made you pant,
And, when I walked in, I started to rant,
If my family members you want for sex,
Maybe you'd like old Uncle Alex?
The one without teeth who walks with a cane,
Uses rope as a belt, and mumbles inane
Phrases that mean nothing and everything at the same time.
But still, better than him, would be Aunt Valentine.
The dear sweet old lady with Bozo-orange hair?
The one we carefully keep far from the stairs?
She insists upon wearing bras outside her blouses,
And, at every meal, she faithfully douses
Her plate and its contents with orange juice and nuts
Is she one after whom you could lust?
Or maybe my brother would be the best choice,
Thick, curly black hair and a low, husky voice,
A charming disposition that's so sickly sweet,
So what if he has twelve toes on his feet?
Or perhaps you'd prefer my sister, Irene,
The one who constantly, compulsively cleans
The rocks in the yard and the twigs in the woods,
Constantly lamenting, if she only could
She'd sail to the moon sitting high on a kite,
Look back down to earth and violently smite,
Anyone who dared to question your pick
Of bed partners, no matter how sick.
And now it's my turn to voice my selections,
From your relatives, despite your objections.
Oh wait! What's that? We just nominate?
And then the audience decides our fate?
Oh well, we can just speculate,
But I'll still be wishing they choose your Aunt Kate.
No flowery words or bouncy rhymes tonight. My heart is heavy with sadness.
Today I had to take one of my dogs to her final vet visit. Hardest thing I've ever done. It was my Lexi. She was a tiny Miniature Pinscher that I adopted from a rescue group 6 years ago. Never knew her exact age--she was found as a stray--but we estimate she was 8 to 10 years old when I adopted her.
We have suspected for quite a few months that she had some kind of serious neurological problem--probably a brain tumor. She had a very rough weekend and I had the feeling we'd be making that last trip today.
Yesterday, around 4 p.m., she had a terrible seizure and even giving her a double dose of my other girl's phenobarbital did not completely stop her thrashing. And she kept trying to crawl into tight little spaces that she had never been interested in before. I must have spent 8 hours just holding her as much as she would let me, trying to keep her still and soothe her. It was very clear she was starting to not only be disoriented, but also to suffer.
So this morning I called the vet to tell him it was time and we went for that last trip. When he saw her, he said I was right--her time had come. Lexi normally weighed between 7 and 8 pounds, but today, because she had stopped eating much the past few days, she was below 5 pounds. And all the fight just seemed to have gone out of her--and man, for such a tiny girl, she had always had a lot of fight in her!
So I held her while she went to sleep and then softly stroked her as she quietly, peacefully took her last breath.......
I just hope she's having a grand old time at the Rainbow Bridge.....
This piece was written during Bill Clinton's administration and, as such, does contain some content on the "hot button issues" particular to his terms in office. This is in no way directed at President Obama, for whom I campaigned and voted!
I Want to be President
After many years of flitting from job to job, and much wasted effort struggling with the question of what I want to be when I grow up, I have, at last, found the answer. I want to be president. I don't know why the possibility did not occur to me before. Perhaps recent events reported by the media suddenly cinched it for me. I guess I'll never really know why it finally dawned on me, but I do know now, that I want to be president.
I want to live in a six-story home without the mortgage to match it. I want to dance between all 132 rooms and 32 baths. I want people, who wouldn't previously give me the time of day, to salivate at the thought of enjoying a simple sleep-over at my house. I want to have a housekeeping staff, and a kitchen staff to attend to my family members' every need, and ensure that we never have to push around a vacuum cleaner or douse a piece of furniture with lemon-scented Pledge. I want to savor the taste of gourmet meals I did not have to prepare myself.
I want to throw elaborate dinner parties for international dignitaries and world-famous celebrities. I want poets with worldwide reputations vying for the honor of reading their poetry during my inauguration ceremony. I want people standing in line simply to receive an invitation to any social event, large or small, that I care to host. I want all my guests to enjoy the elaborate furnishings, artifacts, and food I can provide without any extra expense or effort on my part.
I want to have a plethora of transportation options with which to avail myself, my family, and my associates. I want a large jet at my disposal to wing me anywhere in the world I choose to go. I want a helicopter to handle those shorter jaunts not requiring a jumbo jet. I want a limousine, complete with driver, to ferry me around town. I want that limousine to be bullet-proof, so while I'm being ferried around, I don't have to concern myself with my own safety and that of my passengers.
I want a cadre of Secret Service people to guard me at all hours of the day and night, wherever I happen to be. I want those same Secret Service agents to watch over my family and to provide such services for the rest of my life. I want Secret Service people who would enjoy nothing more than taking a bullet so I don't have to, and keeping my dirtiest secrets from all of those people who would like to hear them.
I want free medical and dental care for myself and my family. And I want the right to dictate what medical care will be available for everyone else in the country. After all, those decisions won't affect me and my family. I want, in the interest of my continued good mental health, free stuff to remind me of how important I am—free golfing, free Big Macs, free team jerseys. In fact, I want anything else I can get the American public to provide me free of charge, despite the fact that most of them can ill afford it, and I can afford it all quite easily.
I want to be given a taxable salary of $200,000 a year, a taxable expense account of $50,000 a year, a tax-free travel and entertainment allowance of $100,000 a year, and retirement benefits for the rest of my life. And, of course, along with all these monetary benefits, I'll need someone to help me do my job. So, I want the help of the Executive Branch which includes 3 million civilian employees, divided into various departments, agencies, boards, and commissions. Among those, I'll need press secretaries, appointment secretaries, and various secretarial and clerical assistants. I want a National Security Council to help me develop policy concerning national security and foreign affairs. I want a Council of Economic Advisors to help me prepare the annual economic report to Congress and to conduct special studies for me. I'm sure there will be other councils and advisory boards I'll need to assist me, so I want to set up a committee to advise me on what those other entities should be. In case I failed to mention it, I want the American people to foot the bill for the salaries of all these other employees.
I want a vacation home that I'm not required to pay for—one in the wilderness of Maryland should do just fine. I want that vacation home to have all the same amenities that my main residence does. And I want my transportation to my vacation home to be provided also. Even though I have a vacation home of my own, I want to be able to take vacations at other privately-owned, sumptuous facilities, free of charge, and not be questioned about it, or how I happened to arrange it.
I want to have young, attractive people available, through various programs, to provide me amusement and sexual variety. I want the right to use those young people as I see fit, while their salaries are being paid by the American public. I want the American public to accept the fact that it's okay for me to do this—no questions asked—because I am, after all, the President. I want to be allowed to lie to my family, to my government, and to every single American, and be allowed to continue as if I hadn't done that because I am, again, the President. I want everyone in the entire country to turn a blind eye to anything I might do that appears illegal or inappropriate. After all, look at all the sacrifices I make on a daily basis.
On second thought, I don't want to be president. I'd have to lower my moral standards considerably in order to qualify, and I know I'd really rather be thought of as belonging to a better class of people.
This piece was written during Bill Clinton's administration and, as such, does contain some content on the "hot button issues" particular to his terms in office. This is in no way directed at President Obama, for whom I campaigned and voted!
I Want to be President
After many years of flitting from job to job, and much wasted effort struggling with the question of what I want to be when I grow up, I have, at last, found the answer. I want to be president. I don't know why the possibility did not occur to me before. Perhaps recent events reported by the media suddenly cinched it for me. I guess I'll never really know why it finally dawned on me, but I do know now, that I want to be president.
I want to live in a six-story home without the mortgage to match it. I want to dance between all 132 rooms and 32 baths. I want people, who wouldn't previously give me the time of day, to salivate at the thought of enjoying a simple sleep-over at my house. I want to have a housekeeping staff, and a kitchen staff to attend to my family members' every need, and ensure that we never have to push around a vacuum cleaner or douse a piece of furniture with lemon-scented Pledge. I want to savor the taste of gourmet meals I did not have to prepare myself.
I want to throw elaborate dinner parties for international dignitaries and world-famous celebrities. I want poets with worldwide reputations vying for the honor of reading their poetry during my inauguration ceremony. I want people standing in line simply to receive an invitation to any social event, large or small, that I care to host. I want all my guests to enjoy the elaborate furnishings, artifacts, and food I can provide without any extra expense or effort on my part.
I want to have a plethora of transportation options with which to avail myself, my family, and my associates. I want a large jet at my disposal to wing me anywhere in the world I choose to go. I want a helicopter to handle those shorter jaunts not requiring a jumbo jet. I want a limousine, complete with driver, to ferry me around town. I want that limousine to be bullet-proof, so while I'm being ferried around, I don't have to concern myself with my own safety and that of my passengers.
I want a cadre of Secret Service people to guard me at all hours of the day and night, wherever I happen to be. I want those same Secret Service agents to watch over my family and to provide such services for the rest of my life. I want Secret Service people who would enjoy nothing more than taking a bullet so I don't have to, and keeping my dirtiest secrets from all of those people who would like to hear them.
I want free medical and dental care for myself and my family. And I want the right to dictate what medical care will be available for everyone else in the country. After all, those decisions won't affect me and my family. I want, in the interest of my continued good mental health, free stuff to remind me of how important I am—free golfing, free Big Macs, free team jerseys. In fact, I want anything else I can get the American public to provide me free of charge, despite the fact that most of them can ill afford it, and I can afford it all quite easily.
I want to be given a taxable salary of $200,000 a year, a taxable expense account of $50,000 a year, a tax-free travel and entertainment allowance of $100,000 a year, and retirement benefits for the rest of my life. And, of course, along with all these monetary benefits, I'll need someone to help me do my job. So, I want the help of the Executive Branch which includes 3 million civilian employees, divided into various departments, agencies, boards, and commissions. Among those, I'll need press secretaries, appointment secretaries, and various secretarial and clerical assistants. I want a National Security Council to help me develop policy concerning national security and foreign affairs. I want a Council of Economic Advisors to help me prepare the annual economic report to Congress and to conduct special studies for me. I'm sure there will be other councils and advisory boards I'll need to assist me, so I want to set up a committee to advise me on what those other entities should be. In case I failed to mention it, I want the American people to foot the bill for the salaries of all these other employees.
I want a vacation home that I'm not required to pay for—one in the wilderness of Maryland should do just fine. I want that vacation home to have all the same amenities that my main residence does. And I want my transportation to my vacation home to be provided also. Even though I have a vacation home of my own, I want to be able to take vacations at other privately-owned, sumptuous facilities, free of charge, and not be questioned about it, or how I happened to arrange it.
I want to have young, attractive people available, through various programs, to provide me amusement and sexual variety. I want the right to use those young people as I see fit, while their salaries are being paid by the American public. I want the American public to accept the fact that it's okay for me to do this—no questions asked—because I am, after all, the President. I want to be allowed to lie to my family, to my government, and to every single American, and be allowed to continue as if I hadn't done that because I am, again, the President. I want everyone in the entire country to turn a blind eye to anything I might do that appears illegal or inappropriate. After all, look at all the sacrifices I make on a daily basis.
On second thought, I don't want to be president. I'd have to lower my moral standards considerably in order to qualify, and I know I'd really rather be thought of as belonging to a better class of people.
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Louisville at night 3
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